KS Muralidharan
Nowadays, political debates (h)eat up Prime time TV to such an extent that one study reveals that the anchors are prone to suffer from irregular bowel movement.
Who moved my bowel, is a question that’s worth exploring right now, before the s*it explodes all over the social media.
In the morning, those with a keen eye for the daily newspaper and a nose for political gossip, are likely to experience a proportionate effect during their daily ablution. This ground-breaking finding has been reported by B&B Inc. (Bowels & Buttocks), a global research agency that works with a record number of loos in the world.
According to a nation-wide study on bowel movement (based on the Plan Period 1951 to 2014) by B&B Inc. commissioned by WHO, the bowel movement is found to be steady and smooth among all those who catch up on the latest political news they find favor with, in their loo.
“It all goes down to what’s right for you,” said B&B Inc. CEO, Bums, to an alert reporter, who caught him just as he was leaving his loo, with a relieved smile on his face, and contentment written all over his bottoms.
The survey based on the last 70 years, found very “secular’ results in that those leaning towards the left had easy bowel movement when they read about reports eulogizing the left or bashing the right. The results were correspondingly proportionate for the right.
Any debate praising Modi & Shah for the right wingers, and any debate pushing the liberal point of view for the leftists, was a good loo day for them.
Reader Alert! The following is for restricted audience and for children below 14 only!
Illustration: Rahul Gandhi will have free motion while reading The Wire and have loose motion if he reads Organiser
Narendra Modi will have free motion if he reads the Organiser and loose motion if he reads The Wire.
Let’s get back to adult analysis.
But what about those who are neither left leaning or right leaning? That is people who like to balance their views on TV to appear like they are neither on the left side nor the right side, and have no bloody views at all of their own. You have seen these types on TV and can recognize them even with the TV switched off, like Rajdeep Sardesai, Neerja Choudhury, Prannoy Roy, Rahul Kanwal and so on and so forth.
Such Intel Inside folks, according to Bowel research scholars who have quite literally painstakingly studied the bowel movement of all kinds of people — left, right, center-right, center-left, centrist, balancers, etc. etc. — are more than likely to have a BOWEL MOVEMENT DEFICIENCY SYNDROME.
“This is really intriguing,” said a Bowel scientist who is often seen around the Swachh Toilets in the country side. “Imagine you are reading The Hindu in the loo and it says that Rahul Gandhi is the Man India Awaits. Ordinarily, this should shock you so much that you will end up with diarrhea. But when you are genuinely unattached and have simply NO opinion on anything of your own, then your bowels are unruffled and you will remain motionless.”
Of course, that too is a different kind of problem but I think we shall end this fascinating research on all things bowel here.
But wait. Brace yourself for the climax of the mother of all bowels. How about the media Moghuls who pretend to be independent according to the news they break? Well, their daily bowel experience is like sprinkler irrigation — a little on the left side today, a little on the right side the next day, and fully all over their studio — and our drawing room. For once, don’t hold your breath for the breaking news, but hold your nose…
And since elections are due this year and the next year in 2024, one cannot rule out the opposition accusing Modi of letting loose, a bout of loose motion among the people! The only suspense is who will literally end up with no motion whatsoever after the elections…