KS Muralidharan
The first presidential debate you saw between Trump and Biden was …fake news, though the jury is out on whether they couldn’t do better than fake it. But here’s the real dope on the dope:
Chris Wallace, Moderator: Guys, just chill, I just want you to make sure people want to watch this show.
Trump: Chris, I know what you are gonna ask, ok? So let me tell ya, I did a phenomenal job, right? Frankly, the Americans are wondering how I pulled off such a phenomenal job. Melania told me that Ivanka can’t believe what a phenomenal job I have done.
Biden: Man, don’t just go on and on and on. The American people will decide who between us will be LESS of a phenomenon. And let me tell you, I have the reputation of being a part of the woodwork in the government.
Wallace: Now, Mr President, the American people want to know whether at all you handled the pandemic…or whether it was the other way around?
Trump: I did good, man. Let me tell you, I did unbelievable. Probably that was my fault. I did so unbelievably that the media refused to believe it. And I didn’t even wear a mask, ok? Though they tell me a mask looks great on me, you know? GREAT!
Biden: Even a mask cannot mask him, god help America.
Trump: No, I say Make America GREAT AGAIN. And this time, make America AGAIN Great!
Wallace: Mr President, why are you in a hurry to send Justice Barrett to the Supreme Court?
Trump: That’s the deal, right? I am elected President for this term and for the next term, till Ivanka takes over, probably, if America wants to be Great Again and Again for her.
Biden: Man, you are counting chicks before they are hatched.
Wallace: Well, Mr President, are you suggesting that the people are going to elect you — after all that you have done.
Biden: I mean, after all that he has undone. And what’s the guarantee he’ll respect the final result.
Wallace: Sir, suppose the American people don’t want to be great again, will you bow to their wishes and leave?
Trump: Well, that’s fake news. No one wants to be not great again. And so, Joe, I can only give you a visitor pass to the White House.
Biden: I was the VP, buddy, if you didn’t know.
Trump: Oh yeah, you have to keep reminding people about it, that’s how slow you were on the take, Joey. Don’t look back, but Kamala is behind you waiting.
Wallace: Gentlemen, thank you for this most insightful segment. Now, we move on to the next most segment, viz. the ballot box.
Trump: What’s on the ballot?
Biden: He doesn’t know what’s on the ballot and he is Mr President.
Trump: Yeah, OK! Why should I know what’s on the ballot WHEN I AM PRESIDENT.
Wallace: Sir, he’s referring to Roe vs Wade which is on the ballot.
Trump: I think I am on the ballot, period. The Americans are going to eventually choose between me and me. Because, Joey, choosing you is no use, since you are not up to it. Ask Bernie Sanders.
Biden: He’s lying.
Wallace: Bernie?
Trump: No, he’s not. That’s why he lost out.
Biden: Don’t mix up, man. Why would Bernie lose if he thinks I am not up to it?
Trump: Because you Democrats are funny people. That’s why I got even some of your Governors supporting me. Huge support I got. They love me. They say I did great on Covid. I am not afraid to talk about it, see? Know why? Because I banned China. They don’t exist. They are just gone.
Biden: Millions got infected, and lakhs died on your watch. And you are proud of your work.
Trump: Yeah because it could have been worse! And Joey, what about the millions and millions of people who died on your watch during swine flu?
Wallace: Mr President, are you saying millions died during swine flu?
Trump: I am saying they would have if Lazy Joe would have continued in office.
Biden: You can’t even think of one reason why people should choose you.
Trump: There are millions of reasons actually. Way too much to mention, so let it pass, ok? Guess I WILL TWEET ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF REASONS.
Wallace: Mr President, I beg you, please cite at least a few reasons otherwise my boss will fire me for doing a poor job.
Trump: OK, I brought down the drug prices. You know, insulin is as cheap as water. It’s almost like available over the counter.
Biden: If it is so, it has only ended up making more Americans downing more sugar and becoming more diabetic, and you are all the more responsible for it!
Trump: No wonder you are last in your class, not first in your class.
Biden: And you have no class at all!
Wallace: Ok, Gentlemen, let’s move on to the next …
Biden: What’s the use, he doesn’t have any plan on anything.
Trump: It’s still better than having a plan like yours — socialist medicine. America is sick of it, Joey.
Biden: See? He claims to know even before I have given a dose of the medicine to the people — which, I swear, I am NOT going to.
Wallace: Shush, what is your position on…
Biden: I am not going to state my position. Because that will then become my position.
Trump: So you don’t even know your position and want people to take a position on that? Well, that’s why last in class, not first in class.
Biden: Will you please ACT presidential?
Trump: Who’s on your list, Joey?
Biden: List? What are you talking about?
Trump: Why don’t you answer my question?
Wallace: Gentlemen, on that note, I will move to the next most important segment, which is how to do your job — I am not on the right or wrong here, but for god’s sake, just do it.
Trump: Don’t ask him that, he doesn’t have a clue about doing anything.
Biden: Why don’t you give me a clue and I will show you what I can do?
Trump: Hey, this is not the New York Times crossword to give you a clue. And by the way, I do fantastic crosswords, you know. I beat IBM’s ThinkPad when they shipped me one.
Biden: Yeah, Donald, you do cross words, I know. Like you did with your CDC and head of your Operation Warp Whatever.
Wallace: By the way, Mr President, you differed with both of them on how fast we can get a vaccine. Don’t you think they are scientists and know better than you?
Trump: You got it wrong, Chris. They didn’t say the vaccine will be late. They said the vaccine will be late, so we better hurry.
Biden: God.
Trump: You don’t believe in Johnson & Johnson? They are great people. They smell fantastic, you know.
Wallace: Gentlemen, this is not leading anywhere, so let’s run the commercials for the American public to know we are at least selling.