KS Muralidharan
With the first Budget of Modi 3.0 looming large, Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman finds herself in the spotlight once again. Armed with spreadsheets, charts, graphs and whatnot, she has been diligently practising making unexpected twists and turns in the corridors of North Block, in meticulous preparation for the real thing on the D-day. To ensure she does not slip or fall, the entire North Bock has been cleared of everything in her way.
Seeking the Perfect Prop
In a secret corner of North Block, the FM has also been brainstorming over finding the perfect budget prop. Last year, Dalal Street analysts will recall that it was the iconic Bahi-Khata, a traditional ledger used symbolically to carry the budget documents instead of the latter-day briefcase.
If you remember, this Bahi Khata was similar to the one used in ancient India around 5000 years ago, that is, interestingly, before the invention of accounting itself! The traditional briefcase which symbolised the UPA era, the Gandhis, Nehru, and before him, Lord Mountbatten, and in short, the colonial era, was rightly junked, but only after the budget documents were transferred from it to the Bahi Khata, before entering North Block.
This year, going by what is being whispered in the alleys of North Block, the FM is considering a magic wand to conjure up an economic miracle, the likes of which are beyond even the intellect of Rahul Gandhi or more correctly, his advisors who have his ear.
The best of magicians have been put to work to decide whether the magic wand will be inside the budget or vice-versa. Not that it matters either way, so long as we witness some magic at work. But then this will keep the bureaucrats busy — which this government is very particular about.
The Mystery of Missing Zeroes
As the clock ticks closer to budget day, panic erupted in the Finance Ministry when a veteran aide discovered a crucial typo — zeroes missing from the budget calculations. Chaos ensued as Sitharaman and her team embarked on a wild goose chase to locate the missing numerical culprits.
Aide frantically): “Ma’am, we seem to have misplaced a few zeroes in the defense budget. Should we call the army?”
Sitharaman (deadpan): “No need, we’ll send in the auditors instead. They’re used to counting things.”
The Great Budget Bake-Off
Not to leave anything to chance, in a top-secret kitchen, Sitharaman channeled her inner MasterChef to cook up a storm of economic reforms. Armed with a spatula and a pinch of optimism, she prepared a budget recipe guaranteed to satisfy the nation’s appetite for a free lunch, snack and dinner 5 days a week, with 2 weekoffs for digesting them.
Sitharaman (tasting metaphorically): “Hmm, needs more incentives and a dash of tax relief. Oh, and a side-dish of job creation wouldn’t hurt.”
Picture this: Nirmala Sitharaman in her apron, wielding a giant ladle instead of a pen, ready to cook up a storm for the entire nation.
First off, she starts with the appetizers, whipping up some tax cuts and incentives. It’s like seasoning the soup, making sure it’s not too bland but just right to tickle everyone’s taste buds. Then, she moves on to the main course, balancing the expenditure like a pro chef balances flavors — education here, infrastructure there, a dash of healthcare — making sure every slice of the budget pie is cut just right.
What about the secret sauce? That’s the fiscal deficit, a bit like adding spice — too much and you’ve got indigestion, too little and it’s as bland as yesterday’s porridge. Chef Sitharaman knows how to stir the pot just enough to keep things interesting without setting the kitchen on fire.
And dessert? Oh, that’s the sweet promise of Vikshit Bharat for you that the FM serves with a flourish, topping it off with a sprinkle of optimism and dollops of patriotism.
Admittedly, it’s not all smooth sailing in this kitchen. There are critics lurking in the shadows, ready to critique every dish she puts out. Some will say it’s too spicy (deficit too high), others will suggest it’s too bland (not enough for the sectors they care about). But like any good chef, FM is sure to take it all in stride, confident that her recipe will satisfy the demand of the people for viewing the budget discussion as a taxing entertainment.
This budget will show once and for all that the government is firmly in the driver’s seat, especially when it is unable to drive the government!
Since the ruling BJP does not have a majority of its own, there are fears that Sitharaman lacks the elbow room to balance the budget her way. Not to worry, her close aide assured, revealing that the FM has been, well, ordering truckloads of Maggie Noodles for this. Why? Is it because she’s too busy cooking the budget, leaving little time for sambar rice? No, her aide whispered that an expert committee at the Niti Aayog had pointed out that balancing the budget is as tricky as walking a tightrope made up of noodles — it bends, it wobbles, and you’re left praying it doesn’t snap under the weight of unexpected expenses.
Hmmm. The FM walking a tightrope made of noodles, to perfect the art of balancing the budget. That is commitment with Capital C you cannot even budget for.